black, white, & gray

i'd prefer things black and white. 

life's just easier that way. one thing is completely right, one thing is completely wrong. good decision vs. bad decision. even for viewing people too. she's smart, chinese, athletic. he's an activist, christian, latino. sticking to those all-encompassing black & white  labels works much easier in my brain. 

but for all humans like me :P as i live each day, most things in life seem more gray, hazy, a bit foggy. i had a conversation this week that has inspired me to write this. as i talked with her, i saw how both of us pretty much had to step out of black&white thinking. our lives seem to be revolving in a stage where gray seemed to take the dominate stage. 

however, i'm beginning to appreciate the color gray a little more. only in the conceptual sense, i like purple the best. but why the heck desire gray, a much harder place to be in, a much more vulnerable place to be in? i admit, of course i'm not happy about not always knowing. but i'm appreciating. there is beauty in gray. gray times in life allows for exploration and discovery through active questioning and seeking. gray allows for growth as i realize, dang, i really don't know it all. as a Christian, i've seen overarching exploration, discovery, and growth, is a building of trust when gray is all i see.

i wonder if God allows me to walk in gray for that very reason then. to learn how to trust. in those moments where i hear/read great inspiring truths and all of a sudden the details of reality clash with these truths and i find myself in gray...i wonder if it is in gray that i learn to trust. 

oh and how convenient, i stumbled upon a quote this week that relates to this topic. henri nouwen says this:

"Mostly we have just enough light to see the next step: what we have to do in the coming hour or the following day. The art of living is to enjoy what we can see and not complain about what remains in the dark. When we are able to take the next step with the trust that we will have enough light for the step that follows, we can walk through life with joy and be surprised at how far we go."

hmm, trusting that there's enough light for the next step. walking in gray might just be worth it.

my thing with quotes

different things capture me. the sky, a good movie, a crush, pretty stationary...etc.

but there's something about words that especially captures my attention. quotes in particular have this uncanny ability to say mountains within a few phrases, to cut to the heart in one sentence. at the beginning of my freshmen year i started a "quotable quotes and verses" poster that i had hoped would carry on throughout my time in college. whenever i read/heard a quote from somebody (famous/anonymous/friend...didn't matter) that absolutely blew my mind or spoke eloquently to what i was going through..i'd write it on that poster.

so, i've kept that to myself pretty much for the past two and a half years. but then recently i thought, "hm, i have a blog. a very sad blog that has been ignored since the summer pretty much ha. hey, why not share some quotes." and so here starts a new phase of this blog...from india to quotes. smooth transition huh. 

anyway, these quotes  won't just be outtatheblue type quotes. they're ones that are going to be relevant to my life. and maybe, i'm hoping, relevant or thought-inspiring for whoever reads. and for whoever doesn't mind reading less eloquent writing, i'll be sharing my response/agreement/disagreement/application to these quotes as well :) fun stufff...

ok with that intro done :P here is my first quote. the topic is on the identity of christians as children of God.

"We are children, perhaps, at the very moment when we know that it is as children that God loves us--not because we have deserved his love and not in spite of our undeserving, not because we try and not because we recognize the futility of our trying, but simply because He has chosen to love us." -Frederick Buechner

~~~~

what struck me first was the line, "...and not because we recognize the futility of our trying." it put into perspective the utter nothingness i can show or bring to God that would influence his love for me. one thing that has become apparent to me as i learn more about the God of the Bible, is that a fuller understanding of Him, must be preceded with an openness from me. and openness most often requires humility, a letting go of what i hold onto as more worthy or better than.

here's the twisted-ness that happens though. just because i know that humility is the attitude that allows for a relationship to happen, does not mean that that knowledge ensures that God loves me. it's mind-boggling to think about at times. but what a slap in the face! what a reminder to me of the unmerited love of God...that seriously, logically, i will never understand. and what a reminder that mere knowledge of certain truths means nothing. no matter how good those truths are. 

the quote is especially relevant these days especially after coming back from urbana, a large christian conference i went to over winter break where definitely...a lot of very good knowledgeable things were presented to me. what an easy temptation for me to think that i am better now, or that God and i are tighter, just cuz i received certain pieces of good information about Him. 

dang it, so right now i was just reminded of why i don't like blogging sometimes. i always feel like there is so much more to explore over certain topics, but writing it all out takes too long or i get lazy. hm. and i also realize that readers of this blog reaches a wide variety of audiences...so my language may resonate with some more than others. well! if you're curious enough, i'd be open to longer discussions over these things. anyway, with that said, hope you enjoyed the quote. til next time :]

truth and grace must be good friends.

and the blog is back :)

after a month of transitioning back from india into the craziness of berkeley life, i still can't quite say i've had enough time to swallow what happened this summer. sometimes i want to avoid being too idle, for then i am certain to wrestle more with how india, ministry, relationships, academics, and God over all these things, affects me now. so as an attempt to avoid avoidance, i've turned to writing again to help me process...and of course, like all blogs do, stir up thoughts for those who read as well. i'll take things a step at a time, not overly expect myself to be some revolutionary as a result of my experiences, but at the same time be aware of how God has already shaped me in ways i may not presently realize. 

the reason for the title of this blog comes from a recent conviction that addresses the issue of inadequacy...an issue that i've seen overwhelm those who struggle with it, and an issue that i myself am farrr from being immune to.

the link between truth and grace did not start forming until a very good friend of mine used the two words in a sentence while we were having a conversation a couple weeks ago. i wonder if she knows her own wisdom :P anyhow we were talking about truth and grace in application to other people. we were realizing that knowing truth without grace results in judgment, pride, and contempt toward others. lemme see, example would be like this: say i came back from spending time in a developing country and was convicted to spend less on eating out because i knew the truth of where money could be better invested in. having this conviction is not bad in itself, BUT without grace...i would look disgustedly at how other people spend their money extravagantly and criticize those who eat out as their regular routine. without grace, i would not stop to think that people are at such different stages in life, and that me knowing some truth, actually makes me no better a person. without grace i would be so caught up in truth that the opportunity to know the other person and his/her background would pass as insignificant. the lack of grace drains the goodness out of what certain truths have to offer.

how does this all tie into the root of inadequacy? here's something neat. i've found more and more that how i relate to others reflects a lot on how i relate to myself. 

we all know a lot of truths, especially as we grow up. Christians know a lot of truth, as part of growing in relationship with God, Christians are taught much. but knowing truth is far from embracing truth. and here is where the dots connected for me a few days ago. in the same way that truth without grace unfairly places others in lower esteem, truth without grace in application to self, results in feelings of inadequacy that we often put unfairly upon ourselves. most all of us are at a point in life where we are still discovering who we are and the expectation to live up to truths would be unreal if we could master them overnight. we do not take the time to realize that we are humans who are encountering truths. the beauty of truths get lost when we are so focused on how much we fall short in living up to these truths.

so what next for me? befriending truth and grace at the same time. having balance sucks cuz i like to sit on extremes. but one without the other results in judgment (without grace) or complacency (without truth). 

i'm thinking how this discussion really leads to many other things, but i'll stop here for now. of course all this is not the only source of inadequacy, but i believe it plays a part. finding that adequacy? hm that's a whole other truth to embrace :) oh life. nice to be blogging again. until next time

an honest reflection

Before I go into my overall thoughts about my summer in India, I would like to thank you all with utmost gratitude for the support you’ve shown me throughout. From the very beginning when I started fundraising to caring emails during the trip to offering a listening ear as I share here back at home, I have never before experienced this kind of love and support from such a wide range of people. So, thank you, with all my heart!

I would like to give you all my most honest and truthful summary of my time spent in Chennai, which includes many valuable lessons, yet contains some of the harder truths that comes with working under a NGO. 

After spending two months of my summer in India, I’ve come to appreciate the absolute beauty of this country. Despite adapting to the ear-blaring honks of cars in the streets, the unexpected spices in my foods, and having to hand wash my own laundry—adjustments pushed aside—India has become to me much more than just a good Slumdog Millionaire movie on the television screen. I now know a little more about a people who are content with much less materially and who pride themselves in age-old techniques for daily life needs. I’ve tasted homemade masala tea, mastered a few Tamil phrases, and learned how to bargain down prices at the market. 

My most valuable lessoned learned was to step slowly in making judgments, and to learn to wait and observe before making conclusions. Though I have not overcome making fast judgments, I’ve seen the difficult consequences when I rely solely on my knowledge to evaluate the people I meet or the new culture I live in. But because Indian lifestyle stands in such stark contrast with the one I live here in America, I’ve also recognized the difficulties that come with serving in a foreign country.

Before embarking on this trip, the idea of volunteering internationally served as the pinnacle model for “helping others in need.” I believed that America’s abundant resources should be directed toward other places where disparities were greater. I see now that though this conception was not at all in the wrong, and indeed one of this country’s moral obligations, that my vision for helping others was far simpler than the reality. Though much was contributed through the donated glasses and funds raised, I became very frustrated that those two resources were the only resources I felt I could offer. The program that I participated in idealized the mark of difference that volunteers could make on this trip and provided menial cultural learning for Western volunteers. Because of the language barrier and the required weeks for adjustment, most volunteers including myself, felt that our presence in India was much less needed than anticipated.

The source of disappointment stems from a very conditioned image that we, as Americans, can save the world. I’ve seen that this image could be a reality in Chennai; if I was willing to spend committed time and energy to live among the Indian people, learn their culture, before I dared to really help. Two months, though a long time in my consideration, only allowed me to scratch the surface of knowing India. The conviction for me is that, Americans can help, to a great extent, but we must realize that in order to save the world, we must understand the world…and understanding is a far more difficult task than most “quick-fixing” Americans would like to admit.

The issue of “saving the world” using human hands also brought to light the limitedness of pure humanitarian work. I chose to work with a non-profit this summer because in the past I had always served along side a Christian-based organization. I wanted to see firsthand, how the rest of the world loves others. I saw great effectiveness because with the combined services of the volunteer’s funds, the local clinic’s outreach camps, and skill of doctors, 450 patients underwent free cataract surgery and 2739 people received free reading glasses just in the month of June. I am amazed at those numbers, and am grateful for what non-profits can offer. Yet, even after two months, I still felt very detached from the Indian people. Language barrier and the confounds of the NGO’s main purpose would never allow me to know their needs, their joys, their life stories. True, many patients received new physical sight, but I wondered all the time, whether their hearts were still spiritually in need of healing.

As a Christian, my time in India provided a contrast to how I am used to seeing love-in-action—where God played the main role in the story. And as usual, contrasts provide a greater understanding of the two concepts being compared. Though I saw how humans could love with great efficiency, I saw that efficiency does equal the depth or wholeness of love. I learned that love offered from human hands is limited, no matter the integrity or motivation behind such an endeavor. And if humans are really more than just flesh and bones, than a love that only heals physically, has not reached its full potential.

With all this learning, I wonder where that places me now, here in San Diego, California and now going into my third year at UC Berkeley. I believe I want to embrace all that I am right now, and not have to travel far distance to help others, but instead understand that I am where I am because it is here that I can serve and be served most freely. This doesn’t mean that I will toss away India to the corners of my memory. In fact, I’m hoping to keep this experience in the forefront of my thoughts. But perhaps, in the future I would have the time and energy to really know and love people of an almost opposite culture. I also believe more than ever now, that the God I’ve been getting to know all my life, is offering a love that trumps any human effort and that reaches to places…nothing else I’ve seen, could possibly reach.

Though this summary is longer than I expected, it is still not comprehensive. If you would like to know more about this trip, feel free to ask me personally. I will talk as long as you would like to listen :) Plus, talking helps me process! As I said in the beginning, you all have been very dear to me for the entire trip. Hoping that this reflection has blessed you in the many ways you’ve blessed me.

As for the continuation of this blog? *Shrug. I'll see :) Take care everyone

limited love

Currently typing this at the Chicago airport after a long 14-hour flight from Delhi. I got tired from standing by the magazine rack and decided to sit down and blog a bit. Starbucks Coffee, bagel stands, and those miscellaneous souvenir gift shops you’d only find at the airport are within reach for me now.

I’m surprised at myself because although everything looks different, I’m okay. But deep down, I don’t want to be okay. I want to be sad and miss India and feel the gravity of the privilege to live here, in the land of plenty. I’m afraid that with this rush of comfort, I would forget. I’m a bit confused because in the past, my return from developing countries would give me fresh eyes to see the wealth that I lived in.

But, this time is different. A bit of rewinding and reflecting helped me realize what is different. Working with a non-profit this summer shed light onto the worldly definition of serving others. What I found working with Unite for Sight was a sort of barrier that always stood between the Indian people and me. I felt detached, probably because of multiple things such as language and culture, but also from the distinct labels that categorized me as the “giver” and the Indian people as the “receivers.” I felt that I stood on a different platform as I served these people, and rarely got to see them eye-to-eye.

Of course, my wish to see eye-to-eye would be too much to ask for especially because of the mass amount of people that the organization reached out to. No criticism on the clinic’s behalf because hundreds of people got free reading glasses or cataract surgeries who couldn’t have otherwise afforded. Yet, I couldn’t help thinking the limitedness of this kind of social work. Sure people’s eyes were fixed, but let me bet, the needs of their hearts were far from met. And that’s where the most obvious feeling of detachment stemmed from…because when matters of the heart arise, two people must see eye-to-eye. Okay and I won’t be subtle, what I mean by “matters of the heart” is my yearning for them to see the unlimited love from God.

So this expected reverse culture shock didn’t hit me, at least not yet. And I wonder if this lack of feeling results from a lack of really knowing the hearts of the Indian people. Whoever reading this might see a hint of regret in my writing, that I missed out on knowing India deeper or whatever. And sure, I can always wish what could have been, but I’m hoping regret doesn’t speak loudest here at all, but my realization of the limitedness of pure humanitarian work…because from what I see, love that only heals physically is a love still confined.

-----

well, actually, currently i'm at home now. back in san diego :) wrote the above on microsoft word yesterday at the airport. what a feeling it is to be home. i love friends and family hehe. more to come!

going home

that...pretty much says it all :)

p.s. time in india is over...but much more still to come here on this blog. stay tuned :)

failure to judge

If there were one thing that I wish I failed at, it would be to fail at judging. Of course judging helps a person be more cautious or make wise decisions…sometimes…I’m speaking about the kind of judgment that builds walls so that people are only stuck with a very limited view of life.

Before coming to Chennai, I spoke with a professor at school who had spent many years working in India. He was the perfect person to talk to because he knew much about the eye care plus the culture and life in India. I was excited to meet him.

The professor asked me some questions first to get to know me more. He questioned my motivations for going to India and I had mentioned that I had been to developing countries in the past—all under Christian church organizations and that my experiences from the past affected my decisions to go…etc etc. But the moment I said “Christian” he stopped me and then proceeded to give me a talk on not judging. I remember leaving the office that one day, hurt. I was hurt because of the connotations that “Christian and developing country” meant to people at the forefront. How I wished that the professor, and so many others, would dare to know the gospel at its core…where human judgment has no part in it. How I wished that day to challenge that view and go to India, and not judge.

But judging has been my most common theme while I’ve been here. And every time I fall into it, I get a good slap in the face because the more I know and realize the more my judgment crumbles. I had mentioned earlier that getting to know a new culture and new people are very similar processes. Well, fun stuff, I got the double whammy of learning to deal with both new culture and new people in the past 2 months (there’s a constant rotation of new volunteers every couple weeks or so, some stay long, some stay for a short while).

I was talking to another volunteer about this, and she mentioned that as humans, we’ll always judge, there’s no way out. I almost agreed, but I think using absolute words like “always” tends to forget a few things. So what I’m seeing and in end, hoping, is that though humans will judge because it is our natural tendency…that the wall we initially build will start lower and lower as we grow up. I mean, that’s going somewhere right? Because honestly, one of the saddest things I’ve seen here is when judgment keeps people from hoping and keeps anything good or beautiful…unnoticed. And I wonder myself, how many times have I let God pass in front of me because I was so stuck in my own judgment.

So in retrospect, the professor’s words were wise words. Though it took a stab at me at first, I can say that I have thought back to that conversation the most while here. Plus he’s been one of my most responsive supporters every time I send my updates and I’ve come to really respect him. Guess I shouldn’t have judged him for judging. Haha. Oh life.

Well, I seem to be writing in the same pattern where thoughts come first, and then my to-do's of the week/day come next. For those who'd like to know what's been happening lately...:)

Today I went to another eye camp, which was more enjoyable than most. I've been working on a very simple project which deals with educating the people about basic eye care needs through posters. At the camp today, I had a trial-run to check what improvements could be made to the posters and asked one of staff who could translate to help. After the translator informed a patient about the information on the poster, the translator told me that what the patient had learned was all new information.

A flutter of feelings went through me once I heard that. At once I was saddened because the information on the poster was as simple as: "please eat whole grains, exercise to keep healthy, sleep 8 hours a day, visit your doctor once a year..." I was sad because I couldn't believe that someone would actually not know any of the health precautions listed on that paper. Yet, at the same time, I was really, really happy. Let me tell you, very rarely does an English speaking volunteer in India feel that he/she has made a touch of difference (it's humbling I guess). But in my head at the moment, I felt like I was going to be teacher in the future. Ha, but a second later, it's nurse, or a public health worker, or yah, okay I'm tangenting. 

In one of my earliest post I had written on not basing my worth on "making a difference." But I believe that imparting valuable change to another person's life is something humans innately are meant to do...which I find different than placing my worth on it. What happened today with the posters, was in reality, probably insignificant :) But nonetheless...it sparked in me something that I might pursue in the future. Maybe this will give my parents some peace (Mom I know you read this...:)) that their daughter is heading somewhere, finally...:P

YEP, that is all for now. Coming to the point where I'm becoming really reflective as my time in India is closing. What craziness. Until next time.