going home

that...pretty much says it all :)

p.s. time in india is over...but much more still to come here on this blog. stay tuned :)

failure to judge

If there were one thing that I wish I failed at, it would be to fail at judging. Of course judging helps a person be more cautious or make wise decisions…sometimes…I’m speaking about the kind of judgment that builds walls so that people are only stuck with a very limited view of life.

Before coming to Chennai, I spoke with a professor at school who had spent many years working in India. He was the perfect person to talk to because he knew much about the eye care plus the culture and life in India. I was excited to meet him.

The professor asked me some questions first to get to know me more. He questioned my motivations for going to India and I had mentioned that I had been to developing countries in the past—all under Christian church organizations and that my experiences from the past affected my decisions to go…etc etc. But the moment I said “Christian” he stopped me and then proceeded to give me a talk on not judging. I remember leaving the office that one day, hurt. I was hurt because of the connotations that “Christian and developing country” meant to people at the forefront. How I wished that the professor, and so many others, would dare to know the gospel at its core…where human judgment has no part in it. How I wished that day to challenge that view and go to India, and not judge.

But judging has been my most common theme while I’ve been here. And every time I fall into it, I get a good slap in the face because the more I know and realize the more my judgment crumbles. I had mentioned earlier that getting to know a new culture and new people are very similar processes. Well, fun stuff, I got the double whammy of learning to deal with both new culture and new people in the past 2 months (there’s a constant rotation of new volunteers every couple weeks or so, some stay long, some stay for a short while).

I was talking to another volunteer about this, and she mentioned that as humans, we’ll always judge, there’s no way out. I almost agreed, but I think using absolute words like “always” tends to forget a few things. So what I’m seeing and in end, hoping, is that though humans will judge because it is our natural tendency…that the wall we initially build will start lower and lower as we grow up. I mean, that’s going somewhere right? Because honestly, one of the saddest things I’ve seen here is when judgment keeps people from hoping and keeps anything good or beautiful…unnoticed. And I wonder myself, how many times have I let God pass in front of me because I was so stuck in my own judgment.

So in retrospect, the professor’s words were wise words. Though it took a stab at me at first, I can say that I have thought back to that conversation the most while here. Plus he’s been one of my most responsive supporters every time I send my updates and I’ve come to really respect him. Guess I shouldn’t have judged him for judging. Haha. Oh life.

Well, I seem to be writing in the same pattern where thoughts come first, and then my to-do's of the week/day come next. For those who'd like to know what's been happening lately...:)

Today I went to another eye camp, which was more enjoyable than most. I've been working on a very simple project which deals with educating the people about basic eye care needs through posters. At the camp today, I had a trial-run to check what improvements could be made to the posters and asked one of staff who could translate to help. After the translator informed a patient about the information on the poster, the translator told me that what the patient had learned was all new information.

A flutter of feelings went through me once I heard that. At once I was saddened because the information on the poster was as simple as: "please eat whole grains, exercise to keep healthy, sleep 8 hours a day, visit your doctor once a year..." I was sad because I couldn't believe that someone would actually not know any of the health precautions listed on that paper. Yet, at the same time, I was really, really happy. Let me tell you, very rarely does an English speaking volunteer in India feel that he/she has made a touch of difference (it's humbling I guess). But in my head at the moment, I felt like I was going to be teacher in the future. Ha, but a second later, it's nurse, or a public health worker, or yah, okay I'm tangenting. 

In one of my earliest post I had written on not basing my worth on "making a difference." But I believe that imparting valuable change to another person's life is something humans innately are meant to do...which I find different than placing my worth on it. What happened today with the posters, was in reality, probably insignificant :) But nonetheless...it sparked in me something that I might pursue in the future. Maybe this will give my parents some peace (Mom I know you read this...:)) that their daughter is heading somewhere, finally...:P

YEP, that is all for now. Coming to the point where I'm becoming really reflective as my time in India is closing. What craziness. Until next time.

blogging because i can!

hello friends and supporters! :)

so, currently i'm using my friend's AWESOME internet usb connection thing (sorry don't know what it's called, i'm quite ignorant with technological names) and decided, why not blog when i have a chance like this! 

the "ONE WEEK LEFT" point has hit. starting from today i can say to the other volunteers, "this is my last saturday, my last sunday...etc in INDIA." well, at least for this summer. blows my mind.

anyway, happenings from this week:

-met an indian lady at an eye camp with the same exact name as me. sarah elizabeth. what the heck huh? way cool. i took a picture with her

-watched some traditional indian dancing and listened to indian singing yesterday. was interesting, though i wish i could appreciate the indian arts a little more

-bought "kite runner" and "thousand splendid suns" for $3. awesome deal

-realized how much i wish i could speak in tamil. was reminded today, of the many stories that come with each person i distribute glasses to.

-getting to know probably the most diverse set of volunteers yet. we have norwegian, russian, korean, iranian, taiwanese, indian, and then me, the chinese.

hehe spontaneity is great every once in awhile yah? ok, the end! until next time very soon :)

Auroville

Back to the internet café for me. Wireless is no more at the hotel (This post was supposed to be out a couple days ago sorry!) Somehow I feel that someone wanted me to appreciate my internet time more :P OR someone found out an unknown user was borrowing his/her internet :D Buuut, overall no big deal! 

Anyway, this past weekend the other volunteers and I took a day trip to two cities south of Chennai, Auroville and Pondicherry. The two cities are very unlike the rest of the cities in India. Pondicherry was once owned by the French and has a lot of French culture still present in the city. One can see French influence in the architecture, food, and basic atmosphere of the city. But Auroville in particular was unlike any city I’ve heard of…in the world. No exaggeration.

Brief background: Auroville has only existed for the past 40 years and began because of a dream that this person called, “The Mother,” envisioned. Auroville is essentially a town with the goal of finding peace and unity among humans from every people group and culture. At the inauguration of the city, people from all over the world brought a small piece of soil from almost every country into Auroville. This act sought to represent the goal of providing a place that belonged to no country, but to humanity as a whole. Geographically, Auroville centers around a temple, which to me, resembled a giant gold-plated golf ball. Above is a picture I took of the place...futuristic looking huh? Serious clash between ancient ideals and modern atmosphere.

At first, when I heard about this city, I was pretty impressed by such an endeavor. So, upon arriving into Auroville, the other volunteers and I met up with Keerti, an actual resident of the city (long story short, another volunteer had met Keerti on the plane ride here into Chennai and arranged to met up with her, how convenient!). My first impression of Keerti reminded me of a grandmotherly-yet-hippie-like-palm-reader. Sorry, that might be hard to imagine. But going on, having her with us gave all of the volunteers and I an insider’s look into the thinking and culture of her fellow Aurovillians. I honestly really enjoyed listening to her talk. She spoke a lot about how people in Auroville emphasize reflection, meditation, and spirituality. According to Keerti, her main goal was to achieve a state of inner peace so that no circumstances in life would move her. This was achieved through living simply, abandonment of riches and other selfish ambitions, and constant contemplation of one’s life purpose. Her words were wise, words that you might find in one of those 365-day calendars with inspirational quotes for your every day liking.

Yet, the more she talked and the more she showed us around the city, a strange feeling aroused in my stomach about this place. I found her philosophy (she refused to call her lifestyle a religion) very inspirational, but she seemed to touch upon main concepts already emphasized in major religions such as Buddhism, or Hinduism, or Christianity. Though her words were flowery, I couldn’t quite put a finger to what really drove her to adapt such a way of living. Though Auroville’s main purpose was to achieve a sort of “world peace,” I couldn’t help but feel something unnatural about this place because this city was completely fabricated by human hands. But of course, I could have watched too many movies like Pleasantville where a utopian-like city actually takes away from humanity’s humanness.

As we drove out of the city, a lot of questions came up in my head regarding this city of Auroville. I feel there can be an entire discussion over these questions…here are a few:

-Does the goal of uniting all humans together in one place serve as grounds for the demise of diversity? Is Auroville humanly achievable and if achieved, would that be good?

-Though Auroville is an awesome city, which cultivates enlightened thinking among its people, could Auroville just be a hiding place from the reality of the outside world?

-This longing for inner peace, why is it so widespread in other religions as well?

-As a Christian myself, to hear so many parallels between what Keerti spoke about and Christianity, what are the distinctions between the two?

A new volunteer, Alexei, told me to sit on these questions. I think I might need to sit for a while then. 

bear grylls would be proud

here's my version of a much less intense copycat of bear grylls' survival show, man vs. wild. india is far from wild, buuut i'd say it's still out of my comfort zone. :D enjoy

first, of course, basic survival means you've got to drink and eat. thirsty? grab a coconut. the vendor will draw out a massive machete looking knife, but no worries, he/she is highly skilled at breaking the coconut. for food, you'd have to actually make an effort to avoid naan and great masala. here are a couple dishes and a naan at one of the most famous restaurant chains in chennai: saravana bhaven

to stay away from mosquitoes at all times (even indoors), purchase a mosquito net. free standing mosquito nets like the obnoxious one shown on the left are great in case no hooks are provided on the hotel ceilings.

need to iron clothes? well here is the REAL ironman. he irons without electricity. does it the cool way using hot coals :P









if you're not so skilled at bargaining, befriend your local salesman to get great merchandise that you might want/need. here are shelves of scarves offered to me at very low costs!














don't be stingy and MAKE sure you stay in a hotel room with A/C. however, advice, ask the hotel staff to clean the filter every so often. i had the unfortunate event of seeing a very dusty and gross looking filter after living in this room for 1 1/2 months. bleh.

here are some basics in your survival kit you'd bring with you. from left to right.
---vitamins and kellog's all bran wheat flakes: nutrition in india has stopped at carbs and more carbs. do your body and favor and include some good nutrients.
---hand sanitizer: soap may not be available. this is highly recommended because a lot of meals are eaten with your hands
---bug spray: to fight against nasty mosquitoes

---sunglasses: two purposes: protection against sun and pollution in the air

---benadryl: in case you missed a spot while using bug spray and have an itch

---toilet paper: unless you prefer other means....

---mango: because they taste so much better here

---nutella: not just a necessity in india

---everything else: self-explanatory

                                                                                    

master the art of hand washing your clothes. all you need is a bucket (shown), detergent, and good place to hang your clothes :)

hehe the end. that was fun. ok, just a quick update on what's going on here...

right now i'm a bit sweaty cuz i just came back from the heat outside. ew. apparently, weather is "cooling down" according to the locals here. haha i guess i'm appreciative...could be worse. :P 

anyway, this morning i saw some cataract patients before they entered into the operation theater. when i came into the hospital the cataract patients seemed to recognize me as they stood up from their seats and smiled and waved at me. after attending so many eye camps, my memory failed as i couldn't quite recognize these patients :P but i assumed i had interacted with them previously within the past week or so.  as i sat in the waiting room with them, i had a chance to stop a little and rest...been awhile since i've done that. i proceeded to help prep them for surgery by sanitizing the areas around the eyes and clipping their eyelashes to prevent infection. and then about half an hour later put bandages on the eye that had just undergone surgery. 

being there with these patients who came from villages or slums around chennai made me really appreciate what unite for sight really does. in a couple hours from now, all those patients will have their cataracts removed and see much clearer for the rest of their lives. funny how frustrations with the program, cultural clashes, unmet expectations, and unfamiliarity with the indian healthcare system can divert my attention to the good things that are being done. sooo, though i spent most of my time waiting around this morning....i'm glad to have waited. made me more thankful :) 

oh and, since i'm on a role in being thankful :P thank you for all those at home who've sent me random emails of encouragement and prayer. the simplest of "hiandhowareyou" mean a lot :) until next time!!

when knowledge blinds

today is a really nice day here in india. i'm sitting in the comforts of my air conditioned hotel room right now (internet included whoohoo! discovered free wifi recently, errr at least i hope it's free), resting and enjoying the quietness that i've been given. most of the other volunteers took a day trip to a national park i had already gone to a month ago, so basically taking the time to just, stop :) yay.

an hour ago i came back from the international church i've been going to every sunday and discovered something in myself that's really interesting and kind of sucks at the same time. i'll explain. the pastor of this church preaches to a pretty large audience every sunday and his sermons are broadcasted both on television and online. the past few sermons have been to me more on self-help than anything else.

so with all the above in mind, today i went to church already expecting the same. already, i came assuming that the pastor was once again more concerned about pleasing the listeners (with such a broad audience) than preaching straight from the heart of the gospel. already i came assuming that the sermon was not worth listening to if it was going to be another "how-to-deal-with-this-when-you're-in-this-problem" type sermon. as i result i half-listened during the service today. and then every time a long shpeel of praisethelord and hallelujahs came from the pulpit i automatically assumed that this was just another product of structure and routine.

i don't understand why or how, my perspective has become like this within the past years or so. but i'm not here to point fingers on how this came to be. trying to discover something else. on the way back from church today, i talked to kevin, a long time brother and friend, about the service and he told me about a lot of good points the pastor had made today. i listened, and i realize that my cynicism blinded me from realizing the goodness that still existed. my knowledge about the gospel, although i've tasted and heard and experienced the goodness of this gospel, my assumed self-righteous knowledge of the gospel did not allow me to realize more. which actually, if i really knew this gospel, would have nothing to do with self-righteousness at all.

perhaps i've lost hope in Christianity today. oh no, not Jesus himself. but Christianity today. but maybe, even more telling, is my reliance on my own knowledge of what the gospel should be...and even if that perspective MIGHT be closer to some human-centered version of it, i've lost the complete essence when it keeps me from hoping, from trusting that God is not done working in his people, and that this working may look different than i expect. who knows, as kevin reminded me, someone else in the congregation may be saying those praisethelords and hallelujahs with all their heart. a verse i read recently before today (funny, it hits harder now):

"Who are you to judge someone else's servant? To his own master he stands or falls. And he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand." -Romans 14:4

"for the Lord is able to make him stand..." man. beautiful. *shakes head, i've strayed away from the gospel while claiming to know it at the same time. what crazy twisted-ness. 

far easier to be cynical than to hope. far easier to trust in my own knowledge than to be humbled. far easier to judge than to give someone a chance. 

let the true gospel speak, and let us never think we've got it all. at least in this lifetime.

America vs. Jesus

Phew! Just came back from a 6-hour eye camp dedicated entirely to auto drivers. The other Unite for Sight people and I served about 290 people today. LONG day, but sort of fun. I liked chatting with the other volunteers while we worked and the auto drivers were all pretty nice. Hopefully I’ll run into one of them in the coming month and maybe they’ll remember me and give me a free ride somewhere :D

Anyway, ok so I don’t really WANT to tackle this topic because it makes me close my eyes and think really hard at times. Plus, I might sound a bit cynical but…oh well. I really need to get this down in writing. The topic is this: America’s “let’s save the world” mentality vs. Jesus who claims to be the Savior of the world. Now, I put “versus” because I want to contrast the two. But a doubt fills my head to whether people (and myself) these days have actually LINKED Jesus and America together.

Working with an NGO this summer has really brought to light a lot of the disorganization, friction, and inefficiencies of bringing Western help into developing countries. To bring the topic down more personally, I’ve realized the enormous amount of effort it takes to really understand people who live in another, and almost opposite culture than the one I’ve grown up in. With that in mind, what right do I have to say and point fingers to change this or change that…when I have not lived among these Indian people? And really, can I only offer my cash to these people who are in need? Does my expression of love stop there? No, it can’t, it shouldn’t, I don’t want that.

All right. Next. When Christians bring Jesus into another culture, the immediate and conditioned image that comes to my mind is the West entering into a developing country…or maybe some photo of an American standing in sharp contrast with skinny kids dressed in ragged clothing. I sit here wanting that image to change. I’ve been on a couple short-termed mission trips to always come back…longing. Longing to go back, longing to see how the people I met are doing, longing to know that Christianity is not just about seeing conversions summed up in a short confession, but that of a life long journey. If Christianity has seeped so much into American culture then I shouldn’t be surprised to see a lessoning of true care and true love where we come to know the people we serve, where we come as equals, where there is commitment to the people long term.

Now let me look at Jesus, purely Jesus. Philippians 2:6-8 says this about him…

“...being in the very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in the appearance of a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death—even death on a cross.”

Jesus became like us. He interacted with us, went through temptations, cried, struggled, rejoiced, enjoyed…like us. He didn’t just come to change the poverty in our souls but became that poverty itself and on that cross came to save. And he came to save, not as some stranger to our “human culture,” but knew each and everyone of us, deeply.

So honestly, what I’m seeing here is that there is such a thing as America vs. Jesus. There is contrast between the two…and that’s pretty hopeful. But is there an America vs. Christianity? I’m not so sure. Sometimes the latter looks too similar.

Sigh, ok yah, tackling that took a toll on my brain. And that’s not even everything of course. But like some other entry I wrote before, there is a time to stop writing and thinking and to start living and taking life a step at a time again.

 

------------------------------------------------

 

Ridiculous. I think I’ve said that like, MORE than I can count within the past couple days. All right, sorry for the confusion probably buuut, above is an entry I wrote a couple hours ago and within the last few hours a couple things have happened…one of the volunteers got pretty sick and is spending the night at the hospital and in about half an hour another volunteer is flying back home to the U.S. because of a family emergency. For those reading this and I know, this is a bit far off and you don’t know them personally, please still pray for both of them, emotionally and physically. Thank you

The Art of Adjusting?

Is there such thing? I feel that there should be. Just like any other art or skill, adjusting takes time and practice and frustration. And then, after the adjusting period, something cool usually comes out. So…if there WAS such an art, then looking back at the past month, I’d say that I’m still an amateur.

But enough with the analogy, essentially…being here in India has been constant adjustment for me. It’s been one of the common themes throughout the trip. Why am I reminded of it today? Well, today is July, which means all the old volunteers who have been here have left and a new set of volunteers has arrived (as mentioned in the previous blog). All the new volunteers seem pretty cool (two from socal, two from east coast, and one from norway) and I’m excited to know them more, but sometimes…I honestly get tired of always being challenged. I miss familiarity and closeness and comfort.

So change is not my favorite thing in the world, and I’m sure many would agree with me. Entering into my second month here has really forced me to realize who/what I turn to whenever change happens. I find myself looking for comfort in listening to my ipod, or journaling, or going on the Internet, or imagining being home. I know that none of the things listed above are bad in themselves, but I know I’m settling for less. I’m forced to realize whether, really, God is my greatest treasure. Do I realize the constancy I already have?

Rereading Nouwen’s book, In the Name of Jesus, has helped me understand this topic more specifically. In the following quote he talks about contemplative prayer—prayer which roots our identity in God’s unchanging love:

“Through contemplative prayer we can keep ourselves from being pulled from one urgent issue to another and from becoming strangers to our own heart and God’s heart…Contemplative prayer deepens in us the knowledge that we are already free, that we have already found a place to dwell, that we already belong to God, even though everything and everyone around us keep suggesting the opposite.”

Man, I want to realize that kind of constancy. I mean this blog is a testimony to my slight bipolar-ness…where my outlook sways with the consequences of the day. Overall, these thoughts of wanting what I don’t have immediately have kept me from realizing what the present moment has to offer. I mean, seriously, someone needs to knock me in the head and remind me I’m in INDIA. If I’m always thinking of what I’m missing out on, then I’m already missing out…to bluntly put it.

 

Hm anyway, to change the topic a bit, I realize I don’t inform people at home actually what goes on here that much. So, for those interested in my whereabouts and doings here’s a quick summary of the past week…

-Had an eye camp at one of the colleges here in Chennai yesterday (school is already in session!)…got to meet and take visual acuity of people my own age. Pretty exciting interacting with them all J

-Went to the beach again and played cricket for the first time…the other volunteers and I gave the locals a good laugh as they watched our poorly attempted game :P

-Drank unadulterated coconut juice right from the coconut itself…don’t take my word for it cuz I may have just chosen a bad coconut…basically tasted more like warm water to me. Not a fan, I prefer the sweetened version thank you.

-Got to perform “surgery” on a goat’s eye and tried to emulate the ophthalmologist doing cataract surgery…..though by the end of it, I think I actually GAVE the goat a cataract, not quite the successful surgery J

-Had dinner with ANOOP! Fellow RBer/Berkeley friend J

That is all for now! Much to learn, much to see, much to still live for.. 

when words aren't enough :)

so, i finally figured out how to upload pics on this thing. the uploading time averages about 5 minutes per photo. lemme see how patient i am with this thing.......anyway, enjoy :)


this is called a chola. i promise it's not as filling as it looks. there's air inside that piece of bread :P











passing out glasses with neely at an eye camp











kids waiting in line to get their eyes checked :)








mamallapuram. a city that has 1400 year old statues and temples










bing and i preparing to watch lasik eye surgery

june volunteers!! (missing a couple)

ok, internet is lagging MAJORLY. have to wait til next time for more pictures. BRIEF update...today is july 1st. which means a whole new set of volunteers have arrived and all the volunteers i've known here for the past month have gone home or are traveling elsewhere. sad! but exciting to enter into another month. until next time, HOPEfully with faster connection :)