truth and grace must be good friends.

and the blog is back :)

after a month of transitioning back from india into the craziness of berkeley life, i still can't quite say i've had enough time to swallow what happened this summer. sometimes i want to avoid being too idle, for then i am certain to wrestle more with how india, ministry, relationships, academics, and God over all these things, affects me now. so as an attempt to avoid avoidance, i've turned to writing again to help me process...and of course, like all blogs do, stir up thoughts for those who read as well. i'll take things a step at a time, not overly expect myself to be some revolutionary as a result of my experiences, but at the same time be aware of how God has already shaped me in ways i may not presently realize. 

the reason for the title of this blog comes from a recent conviction that addresses the issue of inadequacy...an issue that i've seen overwhelm those who struggle with it, and an issue that i myself am farrr from being immune to.

the link between truth and grace did not start forming until a very good friend of mine used the two words in a sentence while we were having a conversation a couple weeks ago. i wonder if she knows her own wisdom :P anyhow we were talking about truth and grace in application to other people. we were realizing that knowing truth without grace results in judgment, pride, and contempt toward others. lemme see, example would be like this: say i came back from spending time in a developing country and was convicted to spend less on eating out because i knew the truth of where money could be better invested in. having this conviction is not bad in itself, BUT without grace...i would look disgustedly at how other people spend their money extravagantly and criticize those who eat out as their regular routine. without grace, i would not stop to think that people are at such different stages in life, and that me knowing some truth, actually makes me no better a person. without grace i would be so caught up in truth that the opportunity to know the other person and his/her background would pass as insignificant. the lack of grace drains the goodness out of what certain truths have to offer.

how does this all tie into the root of inadequacy? here's something neat. i've found more and more that how i relate to others reflects a lot on how i relate to myself. 

we all know a lot of truths, especially as we grow up. Christians know a lot of truth, as part of growing in relationship with God, Christians are taught much. but knowing truth is far from embracing truth. and here is where the dots connected for me a few days ago. in the same way that truth without grace unfairly places others in lower esteem, truth without grace in application to self, results in feelings of inadequacy that we often put unfairly upon ourselves. most all of us are at a point in life where we are still discovering who we are and the expectation to live up to truths would be unreal if we could master them overnight. we do not take the time to realize that we are humans who are encountering truths. the beauty of truths get lost when we are so focused on how much we fall short in living up to these truths.

so what next for me? befriending truth and grace at the same time. having balance sucks cuz i like to sit on extremes. but one without the other results in judgment (without grace) or complacency (without truth). 

i'm thinking how this discussion really leads to many other things, but i'll stop here for now. of course all this is not the only source of inadequacy, but i believe it plays a part. finding that adequacy? hm that's a whole other truth to embrace :) oh life. nice to be blogging again. until next time

an honest reflection

Before I go into my overall thoughts about my summer in India, I would like to thank you all with utmost gratitude for the support you’ve shown me throughout. From the very beginning when I started fundraising to caring emails during the trip to offering a listening ear as I share here back at home, I have never before experienced this kind of love and support from such a wide range of people. So, thank you, with all my heart!

I would like to give you all my most honest and truthful summary of my time spent in Chennai, which includes many valuable lessons, yet contains some of the harder truths that comes with working under a NGO. 

After spending two months of my summer in India, I’ve come to appreciate the absolute beauty of this country. Despite adapting to the ear-blaring honks of cars in the streets, the unexpected spices in my foods, and having to hand wash my own laundry—adjustments pushed aside—India has become to me much more than just a good Slumdog Millionaire movie on the television screen. I now know a little more about a people who are content with much less materially and who pride themselves in age-old techniques for daily life needs. I’ve tasted homemade masala tea, mastered a few Tamil phrases, and learned how to bargain down prices at the market. 

My most valuable lessoned learned was to step slowly in making judgments, and to learn to wait and observe before making conclusions. Though I have not overcome making fast judgments, I’ve seen the difficult consequences when I rely solely on my knowledge to evaluate the people I meet or the new culture I live in. But because Indian lifestyle stands in such stark contrast with the one I live here in America, I’ve also recognized the difficulties that come with serving in a foreign country.

Before embarking on this trip, the idea of volunteering internationally served as the pinnacle model for “helping others in need.” I believed that America’s abundant resources should be directed toward other places where disparities were greater. I see now that though this conception was not at all in the wrong, and indeed one of this country’s moral obligations, that my vision for helping others was far simpler than the reality. Though much was contributed through the donated glasses and funds raised, I became very frustrated that those two resources were the only resources I felt I could offer. The program that I participated in idealized the mark of difference that volunteers could make on this trip and provided menial cultural learning for Western volunteers. Because of the language barrier and the required weeks for adjustment, most volunteers including myself, felt that our presence in India was much less needed than anticipated.

The source of disappointment stems from a very conditioned image that we, as Americans, can save the world. I’ve seen that this image could be a reality in Chennai; if I was willing to spend committed time and energy to live among the Indian people, learn their culture, before I dared to really help. Two months, though a long time in my consideration, only allowed me to scratch the surface of knowing India. The conviction for me is that, Americans can help, to a great extent, but we must realize that in order to save the world, we must understand the world…and understanding is a far more difficult task than most “quick-fixing” Americans would like to admit.

The issue of “saving the world” using human hands also brought to light the limitedness of pure humanitarian work. I chose to work with a non-profit this summer because in the past I had always served along side a Christian-based organization. I wanted to see firsthand, how the rest of the world loves others. I saw great effectiveness because with the combined services of the volunteer’s funds, the local clinic’s outreach camps, and skill of doctors, 450 patients underwent free cataract surgery and 2739 people received free reading glasses just in the month of June. I am amazed at those numbers, and am grateful for what non-profits can offer. Yet, even after two months, I still felt very detached from the Indian people. Language barrier and the confounds of the NGO’s main purpose would never allow me to know their needs, their joys, their life stories. True, many patients received new physical sight, but I wondered all the time, whether their hearts were still spiritually in need of healing.

As a Christian, my time in India provided a contrast to how I am used to seeing love-in-action—where God played the main role in the story. And as usual, contrasts provide a greater understanding of the two concepts being compared. Though I saw how humans could love with great efficiency, I saw that efficiency does equal the depth or wholeness of love. I learned that love offered from human hands is limited, no matter the integrity or motivation behind such an endeavor. And if humans are really more than just flesh and bones, than a love that only heals physically, has not reached its full potential.

With all this learning, I wonder where that places me now, here in San Diego, California and now going into my third year at UC Berkeley. I believe I want to embrace all that I am right now, and not have to travel far distance to help others, but instead understand that I am where I am because it is here that I can serve and be served most freely. This doesn’t mean that I will toss away India to the corners of my memory. In fact, I’m hoping to keep this experience in the forefront of my thoughts. But perhaps, in the future I would have the time and energy to really know and love people of an almost opposite culture. I also believe more than ever now, that the God I’ve been getting to know all my life, is offering a love that trumps any human effort and that reaches to places…nothing else I’ve seen, could possibly reach.

Though this summary is longer than I expected, it is still not comprehensive. If you would like to know more about this trip, feel free to ask me personally. I will talk as long as you would like to listen :) Plus, talking helps me process! As I said in the beginning, you all have been very dear to me for the entire trip. Hoping that this reflection has blessed you in the many ways you’ve blessed me.

As for the continuation of this blog? *Shrug. I'll see :) Take care everyone

limited love

Currently typing this at the Chicago airport after a long 14-hour flight from Delhi. I got tired from standing by the magazine rack and decided to sit down and blog a bit. Starbucks Coffee, bagel stands, and those miscellaneous souvenir gift shops you’d only find at the airport are within reach for me now.

I’m surprised at myself because although everything looks different, I’m okay. But deep down, I don’t want to be okay. I want to be sad and miss India and feel the gravity of the privilege to live here, in the land of plenty. I’m afraid that with this rush of comfort, I would forget. I’m a bit confused because in the past, my return from developing countries would give me fresh eyes to see the wealth that I lived in.

But, this time is different. A bit of rewinding and reflecting helped me realize what is different. Working with a non-profit this summer shed light onto the worldly definition of serving others. What I found working with Unite for Sight was a sort of barrier that always stood between the Indian people and me. I felt detached, probably because of multiple things such as language and culture, but also from the distinct labels that categorized me as the “giver” and the Indian people as the “receivers.” I felt that I stood on a different platform as I served these people, and rarely got to see them eye-to-eye.

Of course, my wish to see eye-to-eye would be too much to ask for especially because of the mass amount of people that the organization reached out to. No criticism on the clinic’s behalf because hundreds of people got free reading glasses or cataract surgeries who couldn’t have otherwise afforded. Yet, I couldn’t help thinking the limitedness of this kind of social work. Sure people’s eyes were fixed, but let me bet, the needs of their hearts were far from met. And that’s where the most obvious feeling of detachment stemmed from…because when matters of the heart arise, two people must see eye-to-eye. Okay and I won’t be subtle, what I mean by “matters of the heart” is my yearning for them to see the unlimited love from God.

So this expected reverse culture shock didn’t hit me, at least not yet. And I wonder if this lack of feeling results from a lack of really knowing the hearts of the Indian people. Whoever reading this might see a hint of regret in my writing, that I missed out on knowing India deeper or whatever. And sure, I can always wish what could have been, but I’m hoping regret doesn’t speak loudest here at all, but my realization of the limitedness of pure humanitarian work…because from what I see, love that only heals physically is a love still confined.

-----

well, actually, currently i'm at home now. back in san diego :) wrote the above on microsoft word yesterday at the airport. what a feeling it is to be home. i love friends and family hehe. more to come!

going home

that...pretty much says it all :)

p.s. time in india is over...but much more still to come here on this blog. stay tuned :)

failure to judge

If there were one thing that I wish I failed at, it would be to fail at judging. Of course judging helps a person be more cautious or make wise decisions…sometimes…I’m speaking about the kind of judgment that builds walls so that people are only stuck with a very limited view of life.

Before coming to Chennai, I spoke with a professor at school who had spent many years working in India. He was the perfect person to talk to because he knew much about the eye care plus the culture and life in India. I was excited to meet him.

The professor asked me some questions first to get to know me more. He questioned my motivations for going to India and I had mentioned that I had been to developing countries in the past—all under Christian church organizations and that my experiences from the past affected my decisions to go…etc etc. But the moment I said “Christian” he stopped me and then proceeded to give me a talk on not judging. I remember leaving the office that one day, hurt. I was hurt because of the connotations that “Christian and developing country” meant to people at the forefront. How I wished that the professor, and so many others, would dare to know the gospel at its core…where human judgment has no part in it. How I wished that day to challenge that view and go to India, and not judge.

But judging has been my most common theme while I’ve been here. And every time I fall into it, I get a good slap in the face because the more I know and realize the more my judgment crumbles. I had mentioned earlier that getting to know a new culture and new people are very similar processes. Well, fun stuff, I got the double whammy of learning to deal with both new culture and new people in the past 2 months (there’s a constant rotation of new volunteers every couple weeks or so, some stay long, some stay for a short while).

I was talking to another volunteer about this, and she mentioned that as humans, we’ll always judge, there’s no way out. I almost agreed, but I think using absolute words like “always” tends to forget a few things. So what I’m seeing and in end, hoping, is that though humans will judge because it is our natural tendency…that the wall we initially build will start lower and lower as we grow up. I mean, that’s going somewhere right? Because honestly, one of the saddest things I’ve seen here is when judgment keeps people from hoping and keeps anything good or beautiful…unnoticed. And I wonder myself, how many times have I let God pass in front of me because I was so stuck in my own judgment.

So in retrospect, the professor’s words were wise words. Though it took a stab at me at first, I can say that I have thought back to that conversation the most while here. Plus he’s been one of my most responsive supporters every time I send my updates and I’ve come to really respect him. Guess I shouldn’t have judged him for judging. Haha. Oh life.

Well, I seem to be writing in the same pattern where thoughts come first, and then my to-do's of the week/day come next. For those who'd like to know what's been happening lately...:)

Today I went to another eye camp, which was more enjoyable than most. I've been working on a very simple project which deals with educating the people about basic eye care needs through posters. At the camp today, I had a trial-run to check what improvements could be made to the posters and asked one of staff who could translate to help. After the translator informed a patient about the information on the poster, the translator told me that what the patient had learned was all new information.

A flutter of feelings went through me once I heard that. At once I was saddened because the information on the poster was as simple as: "please eat whole grains, exercise to keep healthy, sleep 8 hours a day, visit your doctor once a year..." I was sad because I couldn't believe that someone would actually not know any of the health precautions listed on that paper. Yet, at the same time, I was really, really happy. Let me tell you, very rarely does an English speaking volunteer in India feel that he/she has made a touch of difference (it's humbling I guess). But in my head at the moment, I felt like I was going to be teacher in the future. Ha, but a second later, it's nurse, or a public health worker, or yah, okay I'm tangenting. 

In one of my earliest post I had written on not basing my worth on "making a difference." But I believe that imparting valuable change to another person's life is something humans innately are meant to do...which I find different than placing my worth on it. What happened today with the posters, was in reality, probably insignificant :) But nonetheless...it sparked in me something that I might pursue in the future. Maybe this will give my parents some peace (Mom I know you read this...:)) that their daughter is heading somewhere, finally...:P

YEP, that is all for now. Coming to the point where I'm becoming really reflective as my time in India is closing. What craziness. Until next time.

blogging because i can!

hello friends and supporters! :)

so, currently i'm using my friend's AWESOME internet usb connection thing (sorry don't know what it's called, i'm quite ignorant with technological names) and decided, why not blog when i have a chance like this! 

the "ONE WEEK LEFT" point has hit. starting from today i can say to the other volunteers, "this is my last saturday, my last sunday...etc in INDIA." well, at least for this summer. blows my mind.

anyway, happenings from this week:

-met an indian lady at an eye camp with the same exact name as me. sarah elizabeth. what the heck huh? way cool. i took a picture with her

-watched some traditional indian dancing and listened to indian singing yesterday. was interesting, though i wish i could appreciate the indian arts a little more

-bought "kite runner" and "thousand splendid suns" for $3. awesome deal

-realized how much i wish i could speak in tamil. was reminded today, of the many stories that come with each person i distribute glasses to.

-getting to know probably the most diverse set of volunteers yet. we have norwegian, russian, korean, iranian, taiwanese, indian, and then me, the chinese.

hehe spontaneity is great every once in awhile yah? ok, the end! until next time very soon :)

Auroville

Back to the internet café for me. Wireless is no more at the hotel (This post was supposed to be out a couple days ago sorry!) Somehow I feel that someone wanted me to appreciate my internet time more :P OR someone found out an unknown user was borrowing his/her internet :D Buuut, overall no big deal! 

Anyway, this past weekend the other volunteers and I took a day trip to two cities south of Chennai, Auroville and Pondicherry. The two cities are very unlike the rest of the cities in India. Pondicherry was once owned by the French and has a lot of French culture still present in the city. One can see French influence in the architecture, food, and basic atmosphere of the city. But Auroville in particular was unlike any city I’ve heard of…in the world. No exaggeration.

Brief background: Auroville has only existed for the past 40 years and began because of a dream that this person called, “The Mother,” envisioned. Auroville is essentially a town with the goal of finding peace and unity among humans from every people group and culture. At the inauguration of the city, people from all over the world brought a small piece of soil from almost every country into Auroville. This act sought to represent the goal of providing a place that belonged to no country, but to humanity as a whole. Geographically, Auroville centers around a temple, which to me, resembled a giant gold-plated golf ball. Above is a picture I took of the place...futuristic looking huh? Serious clash between ancient ideals and modern atmosphere.

At first, when I heard about this city, I was pretty impressed by such an endeavor. So, upon arriving into Auroville, the other volunteers and I met up with Keerti, an actual resident of the city (long story short, another volunteer had met Keerti on the plane ride here into Chennai and arranged to met up with her, how convenient!). My first impression of Keerti reminded me of a grandmotherly-yet-hippie-like-palm-reader. Sorry, that might be hard to imagine. But going on, having her with us gave all of the volunteers and I an insider’s look into the thinking and culture of her fellow Aurovillians. I honestly really enjoyed listening to her talk. She spoke a lot about how people in Auroville emphasize reflection, meditation, and spirituality. According to Keerti, her main goal was to achieve a state of inner peace so that no circumstances in life would move her. This was achieved through living simply, abandonment of riches and other selfish ambitions, and constant contemplation of one’s life purpose. Her words were wise, words that you might find in one of those 365-day calendars with inspirational quotes for your every day liking.

Yet, the more she talked and the more she showed us around the city, a strange feeling aroused in my stomach about this place. I found her philosophy (she refused to call her lifestyle a religion) very inspirational, but she seemed to touch upon main concepts already emphasized in major religions such as Buddhism, or Hinduism, or Christianity. Though her words were flowery, I couldn’t quite put a finger to what really drove her to adapt such a way of living. Though Auroville’s main purpose was to achieve a sort of “world peace,” I couldn’t help but feel something unnatural about this place because this city was completely fabricated by human hands. But of course, I could have watched too many movies like Pleasantville where a utopian-like city actually takes away from humanity’s humanness.

As we drove out of the city, a lot of questions came up in my head regarding this city of Auroville. I feel there can be an entire discussion over these questions…here are a few:

-Does the goal of uniting all humans together in one place serve as grounds for the demise of diversity? Is Auroville humanly achievable and if achieved, would that be good?

-Though Auroville is an awesome city, which cultivates enlightened thinking among its people, could Auroville just be a hiding place from the reality of the outside world?

-This longing for inner peace, why is it so widespread in other religions as well?

-As a Christian myself, to hear so many parallels between what Keerti spoke about and Christianity, what are the distinctions between the two?

A new volunteer, Alexei, told me to sit on these questions. I think I might need to sit for a while then. 

bear grylls would be proud

here's my version of a much less intense copycat of bear grylls' survival show, man vs. wild. india is far from wild, buuut i'd say it's still out of my comfort zone. :D enjoy

first, of course, basic survival means you've got to drink and eat. thirsty? grab a coconut. the vendor will draw out a massive machete looking knife, but no worries, he/she is highly skilled at breaking the coconut. for food, you'd have to actually make an effort to avoid naan and great masala. here are a couple dishes and a naan at one of the most famous restaurant chains in chennai: saravana bhaven

to stay away from mosquitoes at all times (even indoors), purchase a mosquito net. free standing mosquito nets like the obnoxious one shown on the left are great in case no hooks are provided on the hotel ceilings.

need to iron clothes? well here is the REAL ironman. he irons without electricity. does it the cool way using hot coals :P









if you're not so skilled at bargaining, befriend your local salesman to get great merchandise that you might want/need. here are shelves of scarves offered to me at very low costs!














don't be stingy and MAKE sure you stay in a hotel room with A/C. however, advice, ask the hotel staff to clean the filter every so often. i had the unfortunate event of seeing a very dusty and gross looking filter after living in this room for 1 1/2 months. bleh.

here are some basics in your survival kit you'd bring with you. from left to right.
---vitamins and kellog's all bran wheat flakes: nutrition in india has stopped at carbs and more carbs. do your body and favor and include some good nutrients.
---hand sanitizer: soap may not be available. this is highly recommended because a lot of meals are eaten with your hands
---bug spray: to fight against nasty mosquitoes

---sunglasses: two purposes: protection against sun and pollution in the air

---benadryl: in case you missed a spot while using bug spray and have an itch

---toilet paper: unless you prefer other means....

---mango: because they taste so much better here

---nutella: not just a necessity in india

---everything else: self-explanatory

                                                                                    

master the art of hand washing your clothes. all you need is a bucket (shown), detergent, and good place to hang your clothes :)

hehe the end. that was fun. ok, just a quick update on what's going on here...

right now i'm a bit sweaty cuz i just came back from the heat outside. ew. apparently, weather is "cooling down" according to the locals here. haha i guess i'm appreciative...could be worse. :P 

anyway, this morning i saw some cataract patients before they entered into the operation theater. when i came into the hospital the cataract patients seemed to recognize me as they stood up from their seats and smiled and waved at me. after attending so many eye camps, my memory failed as i couldn't quite recognize these patients :P but i assumed i had interacted with them previously within the past week or so.  as i sat in the waiting room with them, i had a chance to stop a little and rest...been awhile since i've done that. i proceeded to help prep them for surgery by sanitizing the areas around the eyes and clipping their eyelashes to prevent infection. and then about half an hour later put bandages on the eye that had just undergone surgery. 

being there with these patients who came from villages or slums around chennai made me really appreciate what unite for sight really does. in a couple hours from now, all those patients will have their cataracts removed and see much clearer for the rest of their lives. funny how frustrations with the program, cultural clashes, unmet expectations, and unfamiliarity with the indian healthcare system can divert my attention to the good things that are being done. sooo, though i spent most of my time waiting around this morning....i'm glad to have waited. made me more thankful :) 

oh and, since i'm on a role in being thankful :P thank you for all those at home who've sent me random emails of encouragement and prayer. the simplest of "hiandhowareyou" mean a lot :) until next time!!

when knowledge blinds

today is a really nice day here in india. i'm sitting in the comforts of my air conditioned hotel room right now (internet included whoohoo! discovered free wifi recently, errr at least i hope it's free), resting and enjoying the quietness that i've been given. most of the other volunteers took a day trip to a national park i had already gone to a month ago, so basically taking the time to just, stop :) yay.

an hour ago i came back from the international church i've been going to every sunday and discovered something in myself that's really interesting and kind of sucks at the same time. i'll explain. the pastor of this church preaches to a pretty large audience every sunday and his sermons are broadcasted both on television and online. the past few sermons have been to me more on self-help than anything else.

so with all the above in mind, today i went to church already expecting the same. already, i came assuming that the pastor was once again more concerned about pleasing the listeners (with such a broad audience) than preaching straight from the heart of the gospel. already i came assuming that the sermon was not worth listening to if it was going to be another "how-to-deal-with-this-when-you're-in-this-problem" type sermon. as i result i half-listened during the service today. and then every time a long shpeel of praisethelord and hallelujahs came from the pulpit i automatically assumed that this was just another product of structure and routine.

i don't understand why or how, my perspective has become like this within the past years or so. but i'm not here to point fingers on how this came to be. trying to discover something else. on the way back from church today, i talked to kevin, a long time brother and friend, about the service and he told me about a lot of good points the pastor had made today. i listened, and i realize that my cynicism blinded me from realizing the goodness that still existed. my knowledge about the gospel, although i've tasted and heard and experienced the goodness of this gospel, my assumed self-righteous knowledge of the gospel did not allow me to realize more. which actually, if i really knew this gospel, would have nothing to do with self-righteousness at all.

perhaps i've lost hope in Christianity today. oh no, not Jesus himself. but Christianity today. but maybe, even more telling, is my reliance on my own knowledge of what the gospel should be...and even if that perspective MIGHT be closer to some human-centered version of it, i've lost the complete essence when it keeps me from hoping, from trusting that God is not done working in his people, and that this working may look different than i expect. who knows, as kevin reminded me, someone else in the congregation may be saying those praisethelords and hallelujahs with all their heart. a verse i read recently before today (funny, it hits harder now):

"Who are you to judge someone else's servant? To his own master he stands or falls. And he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand." -Romans 14:4

"for the Lord is able to make him stand..." man. beautiful. *shakes head, i've strayed away from the gospel while claiming to know it at the same time. what crazy twisted-ness. 

far easier to be cynical than to hope. far easier to trust in my own knowledge than to be humbled. far easier to judge than to give someone a chance. 

let the true gospel speak, and let us never think we've got it all. at least in this lifetime.

America vs. Jesus

Phew! Just came back from a 6-hour eye camp dedicated entirely to auto drivers. The other Unite for Sight people and I served about 290 people today. LONG day, but sort of fun. I liked chatting with the other volunteers while we worked and the auto drivers were all pretty nice. Hopefully I’ll run into one of them in the coming month and maybe they’ll remember me and give me a free ride somewhere :D

Anyway, ok so I don’t really WANT to tackle this topic because it makes me close my eyes and think really hard at times. Plus, I might sound a bit cynical but…oh well. I really need to get this down in writing. The topic is this: America’s “let’s save the world” mentality vs. Jesus who claims to be the Savior of the world. Now, I put “versus” because I want to contrast the two. But a doubt fills my head to whether people (and myself) these days have actually LINKED Jesus and America together.

Working with an NGO this summer has really brought to light a lot of the disorganization, friction, and inefficiencies of bringing Western help into developing countries. To bring the topic down more personally, I’ve realized the enormous amount of effort it takes to really understand people who live in another, and almost opposite culture than the one I’ve grown up in. With that in mind, what right do I have to say and point fingers to change this or change that…when I have not lived among these Indian people? And really, can I only offer my cash to these people who are in need? Does my expression of love stop there? No, it can’t, it shouldn’t, I don’t want that.

All right. Next. When Christians bring Jesus into another culture, the immediate and conditioned image that comes to my mind is the West entering into a developing country…or maybe some photo of an American standing in sharp contrast with skinny kids dressed in ragged clothing. I sit here wanting that image to change. I’ve been on a couple short-termed mission trips to always come back…longing. Longing to go back, longing to see how the people I met are doing, longing to know that Christianity is not just about seeing conversions summed up in a short confession, but that of a life long journey. If Christianity has seeped so much into American culture then I shouldn’t be surprised to see a lessoning of true care and true love where we come to know the people we serve, where we come as equals, where there is commitment to the people long term.

Now let me look at Jesus, purely Jesus. Philippians 2:6-8 says this about him…

“...being in the very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in the appearance of a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death—even death on a cross.”

Jesus became like us. He interacted with us, went through temptations, cried, struggled, rejoiced, enjoyed…like us. He didn’t just come to change the poverty in our souls but became that poverty itself and on that cross came to save. And he came to save, not as some stranger to our “human culture,” but knew each and everyone of us, deeply.

So honestly, what I’m seeing here is that there is such a thing as America vs. Jesus. There is contrast between the two…and that’s pretty hopeful. But is there an America vs. Christianity? I’m not so sure. Sometimes the latter looks too similar.

Sigh, ok yah, tackling that took a toll on my brain. And that’s not even everything of course. But like some other entry I wrote before, there is a time to stop writing and thinking and to start living and taking life a step at a time again.

 

------------------------------------------------

 

Ridiculous. I think I’ve said that like, MORE than I can count within the past couple days. All right, sorry for the confusion probably buuut, above is an entry I wrote a couple hours ago and within the last few hours a couple things have happened…one of the volunteers got pretty sick and is spending the night at the hospital and in about half an hour another volunteer is flying back home to the U.S. because of a family emergency. For those reading this and I know, this is a bit far off and you don’t know them personally, please still pray for both of them, emotionally and physically. Thank you

The Art of Adjusting?

Is there such thing? I feel that there should be. Just like any other art or skill, adjusting takes time and practice and frustration. And then, after the adjusting period, something cool usually comes out. So…if there WAS such an art, then looking back at the past month, I’d say that I’m still an amateur.

But enough with the analogy, essentially…being here in India has been constant adjustment for me. It’s been one of the common themes throughout the trip. Why am I reminded of it today? Well, today is July, which means all the old volunteers who have been here have left and a new set of volunteers has arrived (as mentioned in the previous blog). All the new volunteers seem pretty cool (two from socal, two from east coast, and one from norway) and I’m excited to know them more, but sometimes…I honestly get tired of always being challenged. I miss familiarity and closeness and comfort.

So change is not my favorite thing in the world, and I’m sure many would agree with me. Entering into my second month here has really forced me to realize who/what I turn to whenever change happens. I find myself looking for comfort in listening to my ipod, or journaling, or going on the Internet, or imagining being home. I know that none of the things listed above are bad in themselves, but I know I’m settling for less. I’m forced to realize whether, really, God is my greatest treasure. Do I realize the constancy I already have?

Rereading Nouwen’s book, In the Name of Jesus, has helped me understand this topic more specifically. In the following quote he talks about contemplative prayer—prayer which roots our identity in God’s unchanging love:

“Through contemplative prayer we can keep ourselves from being pulled from one urgent issue to another and from becoming strangers to our own heart and God’s heart…Contemplative prayer deepens in us the knowledge that we are already free, that we have already found a place to dwell, that we already belong to God, even though everything and everyone around us keep suggesting the opposite.”

Man, I want to realize that kind of constancy. I mean this blog is a testimony to my slight bipolar-ness…where my outlook sways with the consequences of the day. Overall, these thoughts of wanting what I don’t have immediately have kept me from realizing what the present moment has to offer. I mean, seriously, someone needs to knock me in the head and remind me I’m in INDIA. If I’m always thinking of what I’m missing out on, then I’m already missing out…to bluntly put it.

 

Hm anyway, to change the topic a bit, I realize I don’t inform people at home actually what goes on here that much. So, for those interested in my whereabouts and doings here’s a quick summary of the past week…

-Had an eye camp at one of the colleges here in Chennai yesterday (school is already in session!)…got to meet and take visual acuity of people my own age. Pretty exciting interacting with them all J

-Went to the beach again and played cricket for the first time…the other volunteers and I gave the locals a good laugh as they watched our poorly attempted game :P

-Drank unadulterated coconut juice right from the coconut itself…don’t take my word for it cuz I may have just chosen a bad coconut…basically tasted more like warm water to me. Not a fan, I prefer the sweetened version thank you.

-Got to perform “surgery” on a goat’s eye and tried to emulate the ophthalmologist doing cataract surgery…..though by the end of it, I think I actually GAVE the goat a cataract, not quite the successful surgery J

-Had dinner with ANOOP! Fellow RBer/Berkeley friend J

That is all for now! Much to learn, much to see, much to still live for.. 

when words aren't enough :)

so, i finally figured out how to upload pics on this thing. the uploading time averages about 5 minutes per photo. lemme see how patient i am with this thing.......anyway, enjoy :)


this is called a chola. i promise it's not as filling as it looks. there's air inside that piece of bread :P











passing out glasses with neely at an eye camp











kids waiting in line to get their eyes checked :)








mamallapuram. a city that has 1400 year old statues and temples










bing and i preparing to watch lasik eye surgery

june volunteers!! (missing a couple)

ok, internet is lagging MAJORLY. have to wait til next time for more pictures. BRIEF update...today is july 1st. which means a whole new set of volunteers have arrived and all the volunteers i've known here for the past month have gone home or are traveling elsewhere. sad! but exciting to enter into another month. until next time, HOPEfully with faster connection :)

Only a Cultural Norm (Part Two)

Stepping into a different culture is like meeting a new person. There are first impressions, stereotypes, and misunderstandings. But then, as you get to know the person, you realize that the person is far more complex than you first thought, and that there are reasons behind how he or she acts. You then learn how to really care for the person through relationship…spending time together, learning to listen, and going through life—the tough and fun and the sad and happy etc. How you express love to that person may look different than how you express love to another friend.

Living in another culture has been like meeting a new friend for me this past month (oh my goodness it has been a month!!). I spent a lot of time this week trying to define how love looks like here in India but found myself, stumped. But I think I’m glad I’m stumped…if within a week I could, by myself, figure out how love stands amidst cultural norms, then I’d be belittling the complexity of culture and love. A thank you to those who have given me advice about this topic this past week and pointed me to look at how Jesus lived in the same situations. Interestingly, there were times Jesus acted against and in light of cultural norms. So I guess, to put a blanket statement on how to act while living in an almost opposite culture overlooks TOO many things. I really hate being vague like that, but maybe this topic wasn’t meant to be explained in writing. Maybe I’ll live a little, stop thinking so much, and see what comes next…

Anyway....time for a tangent!! Haha, so one of the most enjoyable things that have been happening here for me in Chennai is spending time with the other volunteers. All of the volunteers are within a two-year age range and all except me are pretty much on the pre-med track (go public health!!) So I love saying something nerdy and not having someone give me an “I-can’t-believe-you-said-that” glance :P. They have all been my go-to people while living in this completely different country and a place where I’ve found people who really understand. We’ve been able to experience the life here in Chennai together whether visiting the local malls, exploring the different restaurants, having awesome conversations, watching Tamil movies, or even learning some traditional dances :D Seriouslyyy one of the biggest blessings while being here.

Yeeeepp so, reaching the halfway point in my stay here in India, which is ridiculously fast. Missing home of course, but appreciation is growing, as I know more and more about this place. Until next time :) Vanakam!! (Good dayyy)

Only a Cultural Norm

Culture is an interesting thing. It affects lifestyles, brings about diversity, creates a variety of GREAT tasting food :P and of course touches upon many other things. What I’m trying to unravel today though, is how much does culture actually DEFINE us as human beings so that it constricts us rather than individualizes us.

For those reading this, don’t worry I won’t go into some IN-DEPTH analytical observation of culture and its affects. Instead, I will just recount something that happened this past week that I can’t quite get out of my mind.

On the way back from an eye camp this week, the van that I sat in contained more passengers than there were seats. Inside the van were the staff, volunteers, and the patients from the village we visited (usually patients are brought from the village to the city so that they can get a proper eye examination). Because there were not enough seats, two of the patients, ladies well above the age of 60, had to sit on the van floor. I noticed, fidgeted in my seat a little, thinking what I should do, and asked one of the other volunteers if she and I wanted to switch seats with the two patients.

One and half hours later, one of the elderly patients, still sitting on the van floor was throwing up in small plastic bag while her friend tried to fan cool air in her face with a scrap piece of paper. How in the world did the situation end like this…

Basically, I was told I should not switch my seat with these elderly patients. Why? First, I had paid for the transportation and the patients had not. Second, the patients were in a lower caste system compared to us, and would not want to sit in my seat. Third, the staff would not approve. When I got that response I sat in my seat, frustrated at the system of things, but then decided to let it go, flipped through my magazine and dozed off. It was the sound of the patient throwing up that woke me up, and it was then that it hit me what had just happened.

Before I go on, I admit that what happened that day was not some life-threatening dramatic encounter, but what motivates me want to blog about this is the broader implications. Anyway, my question to myself is, “Sarah, is it enough to just be frustrated or angry at the system of things?” When I was told about this cultural norm at the beginning of that ride, the “don’t-want-to-cause-conflict” side of me took over, as I didn’t want to belittle the person who expressed to me this cultural knowledge, cause any inconvenient commotion, or disrespect an ingrained lifestyle.

Yet, the sight of that elderly woman, sick as a dog, on the floor right next to me, begs me to think differently. SURE, maybe there was some cultural norm at work, but why wasn’t I convicted enough to at least stand up, talk to one of the staff reason it out, and at least not be lazy, and at least not care if offended my friend who informed me of this norm, to let this lady have a decent ride back to the city. I mean, if I can survive GOLIATH at six flags, then riding on the van floor is far from a problem for me. SIGH! Anyway, I promise I am not being too hard on myself. That is not the point of this blog. Nor is the point for you to think that I am so caring or what not to be considerate of those patients. Far from that. What I’m trying to address here in myself and what I’ve seen to control other people is a restraining of LOVE when it is inconvenient or when it might push against a cultural norm. Is culture so strong as to not see the plain LOGIC of how a 60 year old should have a seat over a 20 year old? (Please tell me if my logic is tainted). Is culture so strong as to keep love from flowing when love might be offensive? Perhaps it’s not a question of the strength of culture but a question of the strength of human love. Dang, God we need help.

ok so, everything above i wrote a couple days ago and copy/pasted using a usb drive. sorry for the break in thought haha. but, um "only a cultural norm part 2" will be coming soon. no idea how much culture could actually affect the lives of the volunteers here. be back soon

Chennai 101 :D

RANDOM tips from my 2 week experience in Chennai.

note: please do not take this all to heart. not the expert quite yet.

-do not nod your head here. no one will understand, instead, master the art of "bobbing" your head. want a visual? observe a bobble-head toy that you might stick at the front of your car.

-eat with your right hand, left hand = improper

-bring toilet paper with you everywhere

-watch out for green papers that cleverly disguise themselves as stringed beans

-you can't escape the hint of indian spices, even in american chain restaurants here

-expect small dessert portions

-bargain with auto drivers, they don't use the meter here (autos = 3 wheeled mini-taxi-like cars that sound like a wind up toy)

-look both ways before you cross the street AND while you're crossing the street, i've had too many life-threatening encounters with traffic

-if you don't look indian, prepare for stares

-smiles speak a lot

-walking barefoot in a professional setting is considered respectful

-trust the waiter/waitress if he/she says SPICY.

-try a mango

-if you normally don't like coffee, you may like it here...no bitter taste at all!

-my staple phrase whenever i don't know what else to say, "vanakam!!" which means, "good day!"

THE END! :) hehe hope you learned something :D until next time!!

beautiful reality

today was beautiful reality. no one says that now-a-days you know? whenever people say reality, they make sure they mention the hard stuff. i know i always do that. but sheesh, reality is beautiful too! i've noticed it in the relationships built here with the other volunteers, in the small encounters with the Indian people, with the random verses painted on the roadside walls here in Chennai...

hm i'm beginning to grasp what God's kingdom here on earth might be like. it is not ignorant bliss. it is not fitting into a certain mold in order to gain heavenly credit. it is not guilt-driven love. it might be something beyond human endeavor...a place where an outpouring of love originates and fills those who are willing to receive it...transforming those people in the midst of the hard and beautiful reality of life on earth, so that they can truly say they've tasted true life.

and dang it, i don't like run-on sentences that sound really lofty like the one i just wrote. but then rereading it slowly, it kind of makes sense. it makes sense because where it all starts, isn't me, but from the Source, God himself. and...it's still lofty cuz i have much to learn. anyway, had to write that down before i forgot.

for all of you at home...thank you so much for those who've shot me random emails, encouraged me through gchats while we talk at opposite hours of the day, and esp those who i know are praying. you have no idea how much it means to me! :) until next time i wander over to this internet cafe...!

God of this City

I spoke too soon. Remind me next time I’m down in the dumps that situations, experiences, can’t be judged by a few impressions. I feel that I should know that by now, but somehow the lesson slips my mind when I’m in the middle of disappointment. Excuse the cheesy-ness, but MAYBE my eyes have gotten better…in terms of seeing this whole India trip with better perspective. Let me tell you what I mean by this…

I was lying in bed this morning and a song ran through my head, Chris Tomlin’s “God of this City.” The song takes a whole new meaning when I’m living in a completely foreign and unfamiliar city. But somehow, the grandness of the concept that God is in this city of Chennai, that every day, people know Him more, here thousands of miles from home, makes me stand in greater silence at the expanse of God’s love…and then, wonder why Chris Tomlin didn’t name his song “God of this WORLD.” But really, it’s been amazing to have the things I know conceptually, such as God being the King of all peoples, become more reality to me now.

This past Sunday, a few of the other volunteers and I attended an international church here in Chennai, and I seriously got chills as the people there starting singing and praising God in Tamil. I looked around me as the people sang, not knowing what exactly they were saying, but knowing exactly whom they were singing for…and then joining them whenever the English translations came up :P…awesome glimpse of unity and diversity at the same time there. Also, some of the eye camps at the rural villages I’ve attended here have been held in the same building the people use to worship God. Talking with the pastors of these villages have been pretty inspiring as I hear their hearts for their village and as I think on the sacrifices they’ve made to serve these people.

So is God here in Chennai, India? A resounding yes! And though I’ve listed the more obvious and physical evidence of this, sometimes it is in the small smiles, or a conversation with the other volunteers, or witnessing the process of an intricate surgery that I am reminded that God is here. And to think, if I kept my focus solely on my disappointment, I would really miss what is really happening around me. I think God just slapped me in the face (a loving slap) to finally see this reality.

In terms of my whereabouts and doings in India, I’ve had a couple of “first time___!” moments

-First time stepping foot into the Indian Ocean! On the volunteers’ day off, we took a road trip along the coast of India…beautiful man.

-First time watching a movie at the theater, entirely in Tamil! HA, was actually able to figure out MOST of the plot

-First time watching a liposuction surgery at one of the hospitals! SO very thankful for the facemask as I could make all the shocked/digusted/jaw-dropping expressions as needed without anyone seeing :D

Anyway, overall I am adjusting, learning, and hoping. Coming to see that, the moment I wake up each day here, is another chance to either trust God or trust myself. Daily battle man. And funny, I don’t have to be in India to know this. Applies right at home too. All right, enough musing on my part. Wishing all y’alls at home well :)

to look on the bright side

A long time ago when I was younger, my dad gave my brother and I a quote on “attitude” that started something like, “10% of life is what happens to you and 90% how you respond to it.” I thought of that quote, but I'd rather not think about it, if that makes any sense. It’s one of those convicting things you know in your head, but want to forget because you know its true.

So what’s going on in my head over here in India? I was talking to the other volunteers who’ve either been here as long as I have, or have been here for the past month, and a lot of us are seeing that this organization is not what we had hoped for or expected. I think we are realizing how limited we are in terms of the amount of training and skill we actually have. So far I’ve been able to observe eye surgeries, shadow doctors, and distribute glasses…which all in all seems more to benefit only my breadth of knowledge rather than actually impacting other people. A lot of us, and for me especially, came into this trip with the mentality that we would be useful, make a difference, or experience some life-changing-God-inspired lesson to bring home. And although I’ve only been here for a week, I admit, that I am a little disappointed.

But like that quote, 90% is how I am responding to what’s happening around me right? I think my disappointment stems from placing my hope on the wrong thing such as making a difference, my desire to be relevant. And I know the staple alternative would be to turn around and say to place my hope in God. But seriously, what does that really mean? To trust that maybe it’s not my place to know the purpose of everything? To not base my worth on my ability to help? I don’t know, just throwing out those things that are much easier said than done. Anyway, I’m in the middle of figuring all that out.

On a lighter note, being in India really has been pretty fun. Let me see…
-Food is probably one of the highlights, although that green pepper I talked about the other day, SOMEHOW has found itself in every one of my dinners...
-the Indian people are beautiful, especially the ones I’ve seen at the eye camps, and I love getting to know the volunteers who come from colleges from all over the U.S and Canada.
-every time I go into some kind of vehicle here it feels like I’m literally on the Indiana Jones ride at Disneyland, with the adventurous music in the background included. :D

So! *shrug, it’s only been a week, who knows what’s in store. More of an issue of trusting God than anything else. OH LIFE. The same struggles follow me wherever in the world I go, which is no real surprise. Until next time!!

IN CHENNAI!

hi everyone!

i am currently typing this at an internet cafe in chennai, india!

i'm a little in a hurry to type this, so don't mind the rush of words and and probably some typos here and there too. :P

so far india has been abs amazing. already i've gone through a typical day under the Unite for Sight organization. yesterday i helped at an eye camp distributing glasses, met the other cool volunteers, talked to some eye doctors, ate indian food with my HANDS!! ate the spiciest thing IN MY LIFE for dinner (i literally thought i was eating stringed beans when i realized after swallowing, it was a big ole' PEPPER), and learned some cool words in tamil, the native language here in chennai.

but other than what i've been DOING here, lemme give y'alls some of my first impressions of chennai, india. maybe they'll change, but iono, it's kinda cool to see how things are different compared to the US.

-the conception of TIME here in india is really fluid. you can't expect that if something is supposed to start at 10 am, that things will be on time and running. the fact that i'm here at the internet cafe is cuz the next event was just postponed :) a lot of things are really lax and people seem to take things a step at a time...not quite the regular rush and appointment-style feeling of western time.

-people HONK like crazy here. haha not just when cars are in the way. people honk when theyre merely passing by another car haha. so if you wanna imagine the sounds of india, think of lots of honking.

-it is CROWDEd. i couldnt believe my EYEs when i looked outside the airport when i first arrived. there were COUNTless heads waiting for their friends who had just flown in. but no duh, india is one of the most populated countries in the world. :D

anyway! much more to come. i have to go grab lunch now and head off to see a lasik eye surgery yay! miss you all at home :)

sarah

the TIME has come :)

in less than two days, after almost 6 months of preparation, i will find myself looking out into the busy streets of chennai, india. and as dramatic as that introduction kind of sounds, it actually captures really how i feel right now.

clothes packed, camera ready, six inches off my hair, cool "just-in-case" gadgets that i may never use. materially, physically, i think i'm ready. i even have an obnoxious free-standing mosquito net that literally looks like a portable tent coming with me. 

but when i stop with all the frenzies of packing and checking off boxes on my to-do list, i seriously wonder how in the world i ended up coming to this day. this past week at home has been really good for me in terms of preparing mentally, emotionally...all the inside stuff. which actually, in the end i think is more important than all the other preparations i've made. 

so, as a result of coming back home from one of the craziest, challenging, yet truly blessed years at berkeley and looking forward into what i feel will also be a crazy, challenging and blessed summer, i found myself feeling pretty..AH. you know, like when you have a billion things in your head you'd rather not think at all. but i guess i forced myself to think a little. i've realized a lot how God has changed my original motives for going to India. i had wanted to do something relevant this summer. relevant as in, doing something related to my major, making a difference, seeing how the world loves other people. none of those things are bad in themselves, but really, can that be it?

here is what i want, and i hope it's what God has placed in me to want. if not, i'll let you know. :P haha, but i want to know God more. simply that! i mean, that's pretty much daily life anyway. i want to know Him and see how He comes through despite my all-too-human-nature-motive to make MY name great. and while i help those who cannot physically see, i'm hoping that God will heal my eyes too...cuz there's a whole lot of stuff that i know i'm still blinded to. 

anyway, i can make great/slightly cheesy metaphors like physically seeing and really SEEING, seeing (hope you know what i mean), but nothing matters until i'm really out there and aware of it all. so here is a blog that will have a TWOfold purpose :) to keep you, my friends, fam, supporters updated, and for me to have a place to record and remember and maybe discover how life looks like with better eyes. 

i'll have internet over in India, but time will be limited. but still, please update me on life when you have the time :) i don't care if we're an ocean and a continent away, i still care about y'alls. until next time. 

sarah

thinking of the summer...

hi friends and family,

this will be the official website for anything unite for sight/india related. i'm starting this now, because, really, the trip starts way before i step foot in chennai. my hopes? well, many things. but mainly, to keep everyone at home informed, to record my thoughts before, during, and after the trip, and to see God's hand through it all. i'm excited.

much love,

sarah