all right, enough with the vagueness. it's always hard to read blog posts when generalizations are used. so i will talk specifics. today is january 16th, a little late for new years resolutions, but nonetheless, the weight of making goals, bucket lists, and expectations for the new year has finally hit. the year is 2011, a year of tumultuous changes, decisions, and the ongoing list of "last semester, last classes, last retreats, last january 16th i'll ever have at berkeley, last ___..." yes, you get the picture.
everything in me wants this last semester here at berkeley to be the epitome of my experience as an undergrad, to make the most of every moment with people special to me, to practice disciplines like praying consistently, to explore every best rated on yelp for berkeley restaurants/activities, to overcome fears i've had throughout college, to have the next year set in stone so that my parents will know that i'm capable with living on my own. in other words, to be a perfect superwoman sarahlee by may 2011.
haha.
where has all this goal-making got me to? it has got me into the mentality that "perfect superwoman sarahlee" is the end-all of all my desires. "but that's completely unrealistic, and so selfish!" i had thought. this realization got me all cynical about goal-making for a little while. why make goals when i don't even know what's best for me? why make goals when half the time i utterly fail them, forget about them, grow apathetic about them? i'll just stop making goals and live without expectation so i'll never get disappointed.
sigh, just kidding.
the reason for this post is an interesting one as i discover more how easily it is to switch my means into ends. more specifically, making the achievement of my goals the end instead of making goals the means of reaching an end that i'm not so aware of. what is that true end then? i hope i'm making sense.
anyway, here is a thought to consider. what if, the true end of goal-making is actually the process of achieving those goals? in attempting to reach goals, i've seen what takes priority in my life, i see how many obstacles i'm willing to encounter to reach certain goals, i see how limited i am in my discipline and strength to become someone i want to be, i encounter how deeply rooted some of my fears are, i realize that sometimes i have to take my eraser and change my goals as i discover that some goals are actually fruitless and self-seeking, i find that smaller steps might be needed. most importantly for me, i become more keenly aware of weak i am, how tainted my judgment can be, and yet at the same time be in the position to say, "God, your way is better." Suddenly, goal-making and achieving are a means to discovering all the above.
Goal-making is a risk, because there is every reason for those goals not to be fulfilled. But without movement, i'd just stay stagnant my whole life, living the way of prevention, living cautiously as to seem perfect, and completely miss out on what God has to share with me. But with risk, i step into the realm of something beyond what i think i can do, i step into making mistakes, i step into dependence on God's constant presence and rely on Him to teach me what the true end might be.
In conclusion, today I decided that finishing my bucket list for the last semester at berkeley is well worth it :]
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